Friday, May 18, 2007

The end of a season

I had to have a sad conversation with my ob gyn a couple of weeks ago and I have been hesitant to share here because...well let's just say I fear judgment. But none the less it is something I have to grieve so I have decided it is okay to process that.

My doctor advised me not to seek another pregnancy at my postpartum appointment four weeks ago. I knew it was coming, for my body already gave me that message during labor with sweet pea, so I was prepared and in agreement. But I have sorrow. My sorrow does not mean I don't understand how fortunate I have been. My sorrow means that I was given the tremendous gift of four wonderful creations of grace to harbor for a time in my womb and now that season of my life is done. Three of those little ones I hold in my arms each day and one of the little ones I hold in my heart forever.

I know that many will never get to experience this gift and my sorrow is not about greed or lack of gratitude, because for years I believed I might be one whom would not be able to carry a child in my body. I see our journey into parenthood straight on and I am grateful every day, because we did nothing to deserve it, it was a gift. And now the time has passed. And because of this wonderful season I am changed forever. I do not regret the journey...not even that it is over now...but I am sad because it was good. Very good.

My prayer now is that our family will still grow. I know we are missing someone or maybe even two someones...and there is such need out there. So now we wait for the prompting to grow our family through adoption.

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