Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A message

Forgive me if this seems to come from left field, but it is a piece of the puzzle in the chaos of my spirituality that I have been struggling with for quite some time now...and just recently everything came together for me. So in attempts to process that I feel a desire to blog about it.

When I was a senior in high school (many moons ago) I attended a yearly youth conference that my church group was a part of. I was a mess during that time of my life...what teenager isn't at seventeen. But my mess was more severe than some because of some experiences and relationships that were very toxic and abusive, so I didn't know my right from my left. I didn't know abuse from love, safe from dangerous.

During this weekend there was a prayer service where you could go up in front of hundreds and be prayed for. I hate that tradition. If I need prayer and support, why do I need to go up to a stage in front of people...can't their be more safety and privacy? But I digress. I felt an urge to ascend the stairs and waited for my turn to be prayed for. The pastor who kneeled with me was one whom I knew and who is now passed on and it was very pivotal moment in my spiritual journey. I shared that I was going to a private christian university for college in a few months and did not know what God had in store for me. The pastor did not know that I had tried to kill myself 4 days before receiving my college acceptance letter. The pastor did not know me or my family well enough to know the circumstances I was dealing with at home. But the pastor knew what I needed that day.

He prayed that my eyes and heart would be open to the possibilities that were coming my way. That my move to BIOLA would show me which direction to go in my journey. The pastor gave me assurance that God was intimately concerned with my well being and that I would know God's will for my life if I stayed open to hope.

For many years I believed that God sent me to BIOLA to prepare me for ordained ministry. I wanted it. But my picture of God's message that day was grossly incomplete. I thought, to be close to God... go work for the church... and that was a part of the design for a season... but it was not the complete design.

I now understand that it was my woundedness and brokenness that God was interested in addressing through BIOLA...but not really until years after I finished my degree. All of my closest friends came through my time there. I met my husband there and I was connected with two amazing therapists through that community. In the past several years I have been doing the work of reconstructing my past experiences with relationship. I have struggled with attachment for my whole life. I have a very hard time trusting and being connected because of basic injury in the process of attachment years and years ago. But I have found healing for that. And that was God's big plan for me. Be in youth ministry for years...yes that was awesome. Be a wife to an incredible husband...very- very good. Mother three beautiful children... most excellent. Learn how to bond, attach, trust and be open myself to deep flowing relationship...priceless.

That was the message to me that day. Through BIOLA you will find the ability to live life and love deeply. The design was for me to be brought back into the light, so that I could be in relationship with a living God. My dream was noble, but small. God's dream was much bigger and transformational. It is a good thing.

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