Sunday, June 17, 2007

No place to hide

Being at home with my children full time has been tremendously important. Of course it has been important for my children, but that is not the topic of this post. Being home is allowing me to grow up parts of myself that have really needed maturing for quite a while now. There is lots of activity in my world, but it is kid activity and so there is lots of time for me to have to deal with what is inside of me.

I am busy trying to teach my children what kind of person they can be. I have to do that through example. If I want my children to share, I need to have a heart of generosity. If I want my children to be polite, I need to have a spirit of gratitude. If I want my children to love God, I need to live a life of worship. That is really quite difficult...especially when the inconveniences and annoyances of life come up. When life doesn't go according to my plans I need to model an attitude of acceptance, so I need to be living that already.

When I was working in ministry, I was very busy and I was working with great people and doing good things. It was for me, however, a really noble way of trying to avoid my immaturity. Maybe because I began my life in vocational ministry at 20, or maybe because I had not put to rest my childhood disappointments. But no matter the reasons, the reality was I did not have to come face to face with myself a lot of the time because there was always someone to help and something really exciting to do.

Now, the days are long and I see myself and my humanity reflected in my children. When I am handling my emotions and my behaviors well, they are able to also. When I am not...they unwind quite easily...and so do I. There is no place to hide. Everything is in the light, and that is exactly where I believe I am supposed to be.

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