Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tap Tap Tap

Baby J is tapping through the house with one tap shoe on saying, "tap tap tap". How's that for stating the obvious. I love this little girl!

This, That, and The Other


Looking at life through the systems we move in and through...
After a year-ish of looking for a church community, I am pretty sure that we have found our new community to call home. The process of searching was really very powerful for me as I have only really been completely integrated with one faith community in my life. It was hard to leave what I had known, but it was important for me to follow the calling to step out of my comfort zone. It was also difficult because I was given the message that leaving wasn't in my best interest and that I was just withdrawing from community...which I sensed was untrue then, but now in retrospect I know with certainty that was not a message from God.

Getting the chance to experience many different systems of community over the past year has proven very fascinating and helpful for me. The church system I was raised in and employed by, felt very similar to the family system of my childhood. That is not a bad thing necessarily except for when it was. It was a very limiting thing for me unconsciously. I stayed immature in my personhood and my individuality. I allowed myself to be held back by my past and therefore viewed every relationship and every experience through those eyes.

After visiting many other communities, (some only once as I ran out of the building wanting to scream, some several times because they were real possibilities) I have come to understand what I suspected all along. Every system is open to humanity, meaning it is wonderfully imperfect. That is the point. I have also come to understand that yes I can relate in good and healthy ways...when I feel safe and comfort to be who I was made to be. I withdrew in my last community because I felt I needed to protect myself, and now that I am in this place I see just how true that was. That community as I experienced it, was more interested in doing than being and that can be very dangerous for any person involved in it.

I was intentional about finding a group of people who are more about being than doing and I feel like I can really get involved with that, because in the being who I am meant to be I can more fully do what I am meant to be doing.


The hand of a living God...
Another thing that has really struck me as we have prayed through the decision to move deeper into a new faith community is that a place has been prepared for us for quite some time now. We found a connection to start attending this large and prominent church in our community through Freecycle.org of all things...and we visited the day I started having contractions with Sweet Pea.

Then I ran into a woman I knew from high school shortly after we began attending more regularly. Then we were not there for a while and I ran into one of the pastor's wife at a local coffee house. I've now run into her a couple of times because we both frequent that place and so she has helped me feel so much more welcomed. Our children are all about the same age. Then this last week I ran into a friend I know from my MOPS group at another church and I had no idea she attends this church because we used to attend a night service until it was moved to Sunday morning. Also, I totally forgot I knew the senior pastor's daughter from college. So now I feel like I already have a sense of community, because of some behind the scenes work for quite some time. It helps me feel cared for.

The Other:

And I breathe...
Can I just tell you how good it feels to worship in community again. I love to pick my kids up from Sunday school and they both...the 2 year old and the 4 year old...can tell me what their bible story was. That is really important to a former Children's Ministry director. I love that the service we had already become a part of is now linked with the junior high and senior high ministry. (A shift that just happened in July) David and I feel totally at home in an environment filled with teens. And they are being discipled in how to live a life of worship and I feel that our gifts and talents can totally be used in this new community. We have willing hearts for volunteering and we are well trained! It is all good!!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

A lit bit of heaven

So Sunday my father had very sweet box seat tickets to our favorite MLB team so he invited me and my bro to join them for his birthday. Being at the game was bliss for me as I love baseball...and I especially love my home team!!! Did I mention the seats were sweet? I mean SWEET! Anyway, about three innings in I noticed that Marshall and Sark from one of my former favorite shows Alias were sitting about 6 rows in front of us. Then about an inning later I noticed that Hiro Nakamura and Sylar from my current favorite show Heroes were sitting about 10 rows in front of us. Now that is an awesome day!!!

The game went into extra innings and though we lost in the end, it was an awesome game! I love me a good MLB game, sprinkled with some favorite celebrities!

Saturday, July 21, 2007


We give what we have
we withhold what we believe we have lost

Friday, July 20, 2007

The journey

It's been a really hard week. I have three small children. Of course it has been difficult. It has been the best kind of difficult I have ever experienced. I have three blooming children in my midst and I count myself blessed. Each challenge has pure gold on the other side of it. I am blessed to be able to journey with each of them as they discover the goodness of life.

I wish our culture celebrated childhood more. We would be a better people if we did. If we humbled ourselves to their level more often, we would love life in a whole new way. If we could love like they do, we would taste a bit of heaven. If we could trust like they can, there would be more creation. If we could laugh with a joy like theirs, our world would be more whole.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Of course you can forget

This is not really news to clinicians that have been working with sufferers of PTSD. I know the article is slanted towards how these findings give hope to those who want aid is forgetting trauma, but my response is that I am glad they are finding concrete evidence of the theory of how the brain stores traumatic information in the first place. There is such a huge debate about "forgotten memories" and as a survivor I feel like I can breathe and really feel normalized in my own struggles of fragmented memories from my past. I've known for some time that I can rely on the accuracy of my stored emotion, even if I am not validated in my experience of certain events. I have huge affects from my past without concrete answers. But now science is beginning to back that up. I am very interested in reading more about this study and I am even more interested in learning if the results of this study can be replicated.


Too quick it went round
The moon stopped short
Not prepared for new day
Of a vacuous sort

Emptied chamber
Cut out cleansed within
Sterile report
scar thrice through
Time marched out without warn

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

One of the great things about *Not* having a job

I get to read. I can read anything. I must read in small increments but the reading gets done just the same. I can soak up a good article, blog, or book and that is okay. A whole new world is opening up to me as a result. I have been a ferocious reader for years, but in school what I read, was dictated to me. After college, I dictated to myself that I read that which would fit into my work roles, or the genre of self help. In my early days of parenting, it was all about the art of raising a little human being.

Now I have the freedom to explore new subjects. I can dive into some deeply moving poetry. I can read on highly charged political issues. I can sink my teeth into some historical content or even social commentary. It is allowing me true freedom

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

What I think I deserve

Deep in my core I have been battling with the concept of what kind of treatment I should accept and it has been a slow growth process for me that is finally speeding up. In recent months I have felt myself respond to things in very different ways and I can now see that the change is in my own perception of how things should work. I am really seeing the shift in two areas...

First, it does not even occur to me not to stand up for myself when someone comes too close to my own personal boundaries. My body, my spirit, my soul, and my emotions are mine. I choose whom I share myself with, and I decide how am willing to be treated. There have been a couple of situations recently where I was able to communicate on behalf of my personal safety and I did not even have to stutter or rehearse it. It came out of me quickly, gracefully, and as if I really believed I deserve better. That is huge.

Secondly, I am re-evaluating some of the experiences in my past that I just received without question and now I can see that I accepted things I never needed to. Today I was getting ready to drop my kids off at MDO and was thinking about how hot it is going to get and rejoicing that I am not pregnant this summer. I then remembered a situation that happened when I was pregnant with my second child and I just had to say to myself, "Wow I so would have handled that differently now."

I was pregnant during the summer with all of my children, but with my second child I was still working and the committee that dealt with HR issues for church employees approached me and asked me to change offices with someone. (Now, the person that approached me was my aunt,...the chair of that committee, which alone was a huge boundary issue) The concept in and of itself was fine for me, even still today I don't regret being open to the switch. I didn't care what space I had to work in. I was grateful for any office, because at my first church I had a desk in the copy room. Anyway, as it worked itself out in practicality, my husband and I ended up moving the office ourselves (I probably would have done it by myself had I not been several months pregnant) and we even moved much of the other staff members things as well. And at the end of all of the transition, the other member of the staff complained about something, I can''t even remember what now, and I actually felt bad and apologized.

Now that I think about it again, I think...what was I thinking??? I had been on staff for 6 years by then, the other member was brand spankin new and ended up only being on staff for a short time. She never said thank you. I agreed to move during the summer and never asserted myself enough to ensure that the promised air conditioner was installed. So here I was a long time staff member, physically moving offices in the summer, without air conditioning...all while being pregnant and I thought I deserved it, so I said nothing except the occasional questioning on when the air conditioner would be installed. I said NOTHING.

It did not even occur to me that I had the ability to question that, but my emotion knew, because I had a twinge of resentment even then. I thought my resentment meant I was being selfish, so I did not honor that and I just let it go the way it went. If that same sort of thing were to happen now, I think that I would pay attention to my feeling of resentment and identify it as self preservation, not selfishness. I still would have changed offices, though I would have asked to have someone else manage that, and I would not have accepted the circumstances I did. Only I can be my own best advocate. It is my job to inform the world about where my personal boundaries are. I do not have to accept someone invading my space, or as in this case, I don't have to stay silent when someone ventures into my space without conscious awareness.

I am grateful for the ability to participate in retrospection and introspection. I see things in a new light as a result.


Talking about how unconscious energy affects our lives is all the rage right now thanks to the book/ DVD The Secret and the sort, but it the ideas laid out in the book/ movement are not new ideas at all. The law of attraction has been tossed around for ages now and I firmly believe in the tenant that what you put out into the world comes back to you.

I think that we all have an enormous ability to impact the way our lives work, based solely on how we choose to perceive things and how we choose to handle them. Bad things do happen. Bad things do happen to us without our consent. Tragedy is all around us, all of the time and we cannot wish away the visits into our own lives, but how we respond to tragedy can make all of the difference.

I know that for me, when I am in the middle of a crisis my initial response is shutdown. Then I blame, and then finally I come to realize that I have an opportunity for growth. I know that I have choice in all areas of my response to a situation, but for a time I suspend that knowledge and feel powerless. Then as I start to open myself up to truth again, and only good has come of it. There are very few things that weigh my heart down these days. I am not crippled by fear or depression or bitterness on a daily basis, though it does sneak up on me now and again when I am not paying attention to my heart and intuition. For most things that have already happened, I am facing them and letting the residual affects pass through me. For the things I fear way off in the distance...illness, loss of life, change in stability... I try and remember that I cannot control their visitations on my life, but I can soak up what I have each moment until it is my time to deal with them. I will love fully, I will forgive deeply and I will look for the ability to choose life and truth in every area in my life.

Monday, July 2, 2007


So I've never heard of this site before, but it is supposed to be "The Onion" for the evangelical christian world. If you ask me, I rather like the Onion and don't quite get the need for a christian onion, but that is another conversation all together. Anyway I found this linked from a blog of an online friend and I just had to share. I was/ am that freakish sling wearing mommy!

Just Amazing

I am a woman living with PCOS, a disorder that affects insulin production, ovulation and hormone balance. When I was in my teens it caused me to have several burst cysts, which is a very painful process. It made me have irregular periods and added inches to my waist. During my 20's it caused infertility, huge blood sugar issues and when I eventually got pregnant, made it impossible to avoid Gestational Diabetes with all 3 of my full term pregnancies, and was probably partly to blame for my miscarriage. Now that I am well into my 30's, we will see what it does to me in this fun decade, seeing that I am through my childbearing years.

Anyway, this news is just awesome. Hopefully this will bring much hope and aid to others who are living with PCOS (as well as other issues including cancer as was mentioned in the article) and trying to conceive.