Friday, November 23, 2007

And from Chaos came Order... Poetic Simplicity

The last five or six years have really changed the trajectory of my life journey and it has been both subtle and at the very same time, quite overt. I am not the person I was going to become. I was headed towards isolation and negativity. I peered at the world through lenses that saw strife and brokenness. I let cynicism take root in my soul and I drank from it's darkness without much awareness. I was letting the past determine my future. I was letting my wounds define the whole and I was allowing the abuse endured to live unquestioned deep within the core of me. I was systematically closing off parts of myself that were in pain and overwhelmed. I was closed to growth, to light and during infertility I was closed to life. This was all happening underneath the waters of my chosen awareness... always feeling elusive.

And then life broke through. Change called my name and for that I am eternally grateful. It started with me white knuckling myself into change. I would not accept that this was as good as it would ever be for me. I would not settle for segregation of self. I would not desire the status quo. It started deep within my core. Where my soul and spirit converged with my physicality. My vision was adjusted to include awareness. Light found space inside my chambers. With the light came relationship, wisdom, and a hope that if I released pain and anger, joy would have more room for residence.

I met myself for the very first time. I searched for what I wanted. How I felt. Why I responded to the world around me as I did. I began listening carefully to the messages I was absorbing and the being conscious of the people that I was sharing my journey with. That changed everything. I went from barrenness to fruitfulness in all areas of my existence.

Now I am here. I have three wonderful children running through my home and one angel soaring above us. I have a organic and growing intimacy with my husband. I have left desolation and have entered life. I have become less busy and by default my place in this world probably has become more impacting. I used to equate busyness with importance. I am a product of our culture indeed. Now I understand that my calendar does not define my worth. My worth is a birth right. I do not need to prove myself to earn a place in history. I just need to reside within the space set aside for me.

My path is renew indeed. I am growing into seeing my life through the lens of a grace that is simply poetic. And thus, the season is turning...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Silence

I have been silent here for a few really good reasons that I am not going to go into right now, but I have to say the silence has helped bring my soul back into balance. I have been traveling through my life like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. Wherever I went I brought a cyclone of dust and chaos with me. I'm sure people were seeing me with my dust cloud and three small children in tow and wanted to just run and hide. I was running and trying so hard to look like I was okay... all the while everyone...and I mean EVERYONE was clear about the reality that I am not okay.

It is so comforting to have the silence to speak that truth into now. I am not okay with things I should not be okay about. The silence has gifted me with the perspective that not being okay is a good sign that transformation is well under way.