Monday, April 19, 2010

Calling

When I was in college attending a christian university, and then later when I chose vocational ministry for my career, a ton of my time was devoted to understanding my calling in this life. I prayed about it, explored it, talked about it, raged against it, denied it, ate, drank and slept it. Just when I really started living in it and trusting God through it, I was called out of the local church and into full time mothering from home.

And to label that next 5 years of desert time maddening, would be quite an understatement. In the midst of the mundane it has been very difficult for me to hold sight of the divine. I have known enough to know that this is my season of desert living. (You know, Moses lived in the desert for decades before leading the exodus of his people out of Egypt... that kind of desert living.) What I have not been able to figure out on my own, is what am I being prepared for? And can I in fact, say no to that next stage of calling if I don't wanna go there.

And in this season, I am seeing every construct I have built to understand, family, wholeness and faith torn down. Obviously my constructs did not align with God's, but in my angst, I asked..."Did all of the constructs I created have to be torn down to the ground... all at the same time?

And for those of you who know me well, the answer I received, will not surprise you in the least. The response I was given has been a resounding..."Yes, my stubborn and tenacious child. You've gotten most everything wrong."

Ouch. But at least in this place of honest living, my heart is open once more to what God has already designed me for. I was reading something my pastor wrote, and I wanted to pass his words along, to those of you that are interested. For those who don't want the whole thing, my take away was this...

"If I am to live into my calling I must remember that I am not what I do. I do what I am."

That's such good news to me right now, because what I do is not even remotely glamorous... and I am reminded of that around every corner in our culture. But I am doing it because I am called to be a nurturer and a healer. And who I was made to be is by design. That makes me so grateful for my creator and I want to give all that I am back to him as a small offering of worship.

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