Saturday, June 9, 2012

Shedding Light

A woman can only play so much Angry Birds (TM), Scramble With Friends (TM), or Draw Things (TM)  before the anesthetizing distraction wears off.  It is a temporary pain management skill that is cheaper and less destructive than several of my other techniques, but alas it too has failed to save me from the harsh reality of life and the truth about my pain.  

I miss this blogging space.  I want to return to it because in my journey through the years and transitions have been made more grounding by returning to this space time and again.  I will not share the details about my life that I’ve been avoiding, at least not overtly in this public space, but I have this desire to share a glimpse of the music, art, literature, crafting, and movies that are helping me walk this part of the journey.  It is interesting to me that I do not include poetry in the list of the arts that have helped me recently... I have chosen the handle of *poetic mama* after all.  I think that for this season of my life, poetry is too raw for my already raw heart.  It will have it’s place again some day soon but for now, in the stillness is where I need to be.
This year has been “My year in the life of poetic stillness”.  It has created the space where distraction was no longer needed and where stillness could do it’s work and bring to the surface the deeper lying wounds ready to be addressed, re-dressed and be tenderly cared for.  
For today I will share a set list with the voices that are helping me re-organize my soul.  I have chosen covers for several songs, which is because of my inner Kurt Hummel... it’s a personal choice you may not wish to make if you don’t love broadway musicals or Glee like I do, but none the less here you go:
Mean- Glee Cast cover
Damaged- Plumb
F**kin Perfect- P!nk
I didn’t know my own strength- Whitney Houston
Landslide- Dixie Chicks cover
The Chase- Tori Amos
Night of the Hunters- Tori Amos
Inside- Jennifer Knapp
Shake it Out- Glee Cast cover
Letting Go- Jennifer Knapp
So What- P!nk
Jekyll & Hyde- Plumb
Take Me or Leave Me- Rent Original Broadway Cast
Stone To The River- Jennifer Knapp
By and By- Jennifer Knapp
A Little Bit Stronger- Sarah Evans
Hang On- Plumb
Healing is in your hands- Christy Nockels 
I am- Nichole Nordeman 
Seasons of Love- Rent Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Every Season- Nichole Nordeman
It’s All Coming Back to Me- Glee Cast cover
Beautiful History- Plumb

One of the most interesting things about this list is that even though I have tried  to reduce the drama effect (my pet name for my most often chosen defense mechanism) while in this season of stillness, the drama is just bleeding through.  And it hits me just now that I am never going to banish the dramatic flare I paint into my life... and I don’t have to.  My dramatic flare helped me survive daily hell until I had the necessary resources to attack the evil I endured.  I didn’t choose the hell, but I chose the defense for very important reasons, the most important reason being that it worked for me.  I got out from underneath human depravity and evil.  I did not do it on my own, but redemption has offered me a second, third, fourth chance in my life.  I am not talking merely about REDEMPTION in the all caps steeped in narrative christian tradition sort of way, though it is most certainly in the essence of my intent.  No I am talking in a more general sense, reflected in the way life, death, and re-generation occur all around us all of the time.
So three cheers to embracing a *Dramatic* Season of Stillness.  I know I’m not the only one struggling with the grieving of life losses and/ or broken dreams.  My intent in sharing this is that it will be a comfort to someone besides just me.  So here is a link to the playlist... It does have some language in it, so “Properly warned ye be.”  (I have a internal monologue that cusses like a sailor.)