Thursday, June 27, 2013

And I'm Proud To Be An American

So glad to see democracy working even in this age when we are experiencing a national stint with a personality disorder.  Some decisions were made, some laws were written, then passed, then debated, then filibustered by the legislature and then by citizens, then adopted or vetoed, then sometimes voted on in general or special elections.  Some laws made their way to the court system and eventually found their way to the Supreme Court for review.  Some have been upheld, some have been struck down.  Some people are happy, some people are up in arms and all is as it was intended to be.  In the end, we get to do this wonderful, remarkable thing all over again tomorrow because of countless sacrifices by men and women that have gone before us and those walking alongside us even unto today.  In the middle of the chaos, I am grateful.  I am not always happy with the outcome even as I sometimes feel quite full of glee,  but I am always grateful for the ability to pursue my liberty and to walk side by side with my fellow country folk as they pursue theirs...even when we don't agree.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Will The Real Mom Please Stand Up

I have a very strong parental defense system activated in my world.  It is a state of the art system designed to protect me and frankly my wee ones from the infamous syndrome that threatens our very happiness. This syndrome is a very common ailment in any era...yes *The Stay at Home Mother Monotony*  that all too often progresses into the more advanced disease of *Crazy Momma Rage* is alive and well in the 21st century.  Thankfully though, I get to do this job in this era and I have options to protect myself and my family...from ME.  The me that hears the messages of what a *good mom* is supposed to look like.

I love me some Pinterest(TM)...of course I do.  I’m one of those insane crafters that used to have file folders full of ideas  So now I can do that virtually.  I also feel grateful for  Facebook(TM) as it replaced the mothering message boards I relied heavily on as I nursed my wee ones.  You see my kids were babies when Facebook(TM) was still mostly college students and though I was a cool youth worker who had an account, no one in my peer group did so my it was not yet a part of my parental defense system.  

Smart phones came onto the scene somewhere in the middle of my 7 years of navigating 3 kids through toddlerhood.  When my oldest was toddling about, I used to hand him my cell phone to play with, and he loved it.  Of course he couldn’t surf the web while I was distracted, but then by the time my third one came along he could find game apps on my phone before I could.  The smart phone allowed me to text with adults and snap pictures in such a way that I could feel connected to the adult world even while not actually being connected in reality.  And finally, no system would be complete without the power of television and in my defense measures this option has evolved as we have evolved.  What started as Baby Einstein(TM) and Sesame Street(TM), grew up into a Ninjago(TM), Adventure Time,(TM) Good Luck Charlie(TM) relief system.   And now there is Netflix(TM), Amazon Instant Video(TM), and YouTube(TM) options for streaming from one of the three laptops sitting on my dining room table or the iPad(TM) and 3DS(TM) in the next room.

Needless to say, I have a fully capable, top of the line, pay through the nose system to keep the peace in my house.  And I am not the only home with this kind of defense system so let’s just talk frankly about a few things:

I won’t be ashamed about the truth that I implement tactics of smoke and mirrors with my children or that I rely on technology to occupy my kids when I am just fried or the day ends with y.  This job is hard.  This job is even harder during the summer months.  Kids of working parents go on massive trips to amusement parks and have built in play dates...and I celebrate that they have great options for childcare, in fact I want to be their children it sounds like so much fun.  I also honor the truth that the grass is not greener on the working parent side of the fence, just different.  I am the cruise director for my family though, and I suck at that part of this job.

On day two of our summer I had to have the, “We are going to have a long summer if you beg, whine, and act ungrateful with every answer I give to every asinine request you little people come up with.”  Sometimes I will say yes, sometime I will say no.  Cope.  And if you choose to fight with each other the referee retired, so you’re going to have to fight to the death or figure out a way to live with your siblings without school friends to buffer.  Hey it’s survival of the fittest...may the odds be ever in your favor.(TM)

I am not a social coordinator, sit on the floor and play for hours, chess playing, make food from scratch kind of mother.  I am a legos on my living room floor 24/7 and those are just mine that I sometimes let the kids play with too, do awesome art outside, take you through drive thru when it’s too hot to cook kind of mom.  I gotta work with my strengths man and my kids need to learn how to celebrate my uniqueness in the same way I spend every day trying to celebrate theirs.  

I have many friends that are better at the things I suck at and I love their presence in my kids would have never known what a home cooked cherry pie tasted like if it wasn’t for Miss Julia, or would never get out of the house in the summer if it wasn’t for Mama Christine or their grandparents.  

So in the spirit of working within my strengths, here is what is happening at my house this first full week of summer:

I was designing scrapbook pages for an upcoming workshop and it inspired Baby J to make her own.  See, she thought she was my helper...but really it was a distraction for her that she made beautiful while I had to keep my home business nurtured.(TM)

My kids made this while I was still in bed at 8 AM.  I'm a night owl, not a morning person, and my kids are still alive which is proof that they have found ways to adapt to my particular brand of crazy.(TM)

I believe my kids need education in the summer and science seems fun until you have to clean up the mess of discovery.  I bought this on line for like $20 and we all spent a morning doing the activities in this kit.  I am not cool enough to come up with this on my own, but I am cool enough to order fun off Amazon.(TM)

My weest one has been sick since last week and I overheard this on the tv while I was going about our day and it cracked me up!  I am grateful the tv is instilling the type of emotional intelligence I desire for my kids!

 I am doing my best to be my kiddos real mom, in my real life, connecting with my real kids regardless of my circumstances or what the real world shouts I *should be* doing.  I am me, and I love my kids, and I love them best of all when I relax and roll with the reality of messy living.  I don’t have to be all things to all people.  I need to be an honest, kind, and real mom to my three sweet souls.  That’s my job, no matter what culture is saying constitutes a *good* mom.   

***This blog post was created while one child was watching Sweet Life of Zack and Cody(TM) on the iPad(TM), another was watching the Avengers(TM) cartoon in the living room, and the third one was with Grandma and Grandpa(TM).  all is right in our world! Oh and I am too hot and tired to actually research the legality of using all of these brand names in this post so I'm adding a few extra  (TM)(TM)(TM) for good measure...***

Monday, June 24, 2013

Transcedance Movement Two- the cost of "happiness"

despair- a human response to depravity

the cost of "happiness"

demons come calling in the night
after womb filled to the brim with hate
minutes tick by as the comfort fades to loathing
temporary fix left me here to die

longing for permanence of comfort 
plagued with emptiness to fill space
growing body mass the fear the goal
a way to protect from a cruel world 

out of soul purge the bad
been told no good inside
worth in body weight
in perfect design
get rid of excess comfort
consume- purge
consume consume consume...

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Proof That I am a Nerd...Not that Anyone Questions This Truth

I am gearing up for some sweeping home renovations that have been in the wings for several years as we have needed to deal with some bad financial decisions that were made.  I'm not still bitter... no I'm not.  Anyway, I am a few months away from finally being able to execute some much needed TLC projects for my sweet lil' house.  Now, I've had pinterest boards for ages that I add to them sporatically, but that is just not enough for this nerdy, right brain dominant, type A girl.

No I needed to create this too:

Just be grateful you don't have to live with me...

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Oh how I miss this...

...The sound of childhood play going on next to me while I work on my computer.  Summer is beginning in stages in our home and I am grateful to have the next couple of days with just my sweet Bubbas.  I love my life!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Transcendance Movement One- the blade

depravity- a nature of isolation

the blade

the blade slices through the thickness of night
piercing the silence surrounding
the heart in a puddle growing with time
as the depth undermines the fog of denial

fa├žade, barrage, mirage of the mind
projected onto the hanging stench
gently placed by the arrogant monster of pride
haphazardly creating a prison to hold life in

finally escaped from that which was survived
yet trapped in the mind behind the crystal heart
the rewinding tape of terror run day and eve
whispering their lies throughout the chamber of the eye

perception seemingly forever corrupt
the blade meant to slice the night of denial
missed the screen and found the heart from behind
so the puddle dissolves into the past of time

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Let the Snark Fly Saturday

...Introducing my lastest blog series...

I think having a random sprinkling of my dark side here will balance out the issues I tend to dive into on a regular basis.  Sometimes I experience altitude sickness from climbing so high onto that moral horse I tend to favor.

So for today:

A Random Thing That Pisses Me Off:

Those stick figure family decals plastered on the back of SUVs and minivans all around me.  I hate looking at them as I sit in the valet cue at school drop off and pick up time.  Maybe it is because I am too lazy to order one for my own van and I'm feeling left out.  There is however one exception to this rule: I love the Star Wars version of this weird suburban cultural trend.  So the universal truth in all of this:

If a Star Wars reference is sprinkled into some weird social phenomenon I hate...generally I can be calmed.  

If you remember this, you are sure to be able to manipulate me into many things...yes I am a Star Wars Nerd, why do you ask?!?

Friday, June 14, 2013

Daddy Love

This is my youngest son nestled into Daddy's arms at Disneyland... Happy Father's Day to you all!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

In Honor of *Recent News*

Lest we play naive and fake faint over the recent leaks about privacy in western culture, let us all remember a very simple truth:

We knew way back then that The Patriot Act was going to be the opening act to what we now *know* we know.  

It is embarrassing to watch everyone running around like chickens with heads cut off.  What I am more curious about is what is going on that we don't yet know we *know*?

So in honor of collective naivety that is not's some reality:

Police Me- Tori Amos released in 2009

Police yourself. Police yourself. Police me. 
Police yourself. Police yourself. Police me.
We've got our own remote viewing, Every cell has been taught to think
Perhaps the answer to the question lies in the question
Perhaps you should read my thoughts, Line them up like soldiers
Police yourself. Police yourself. Police me. 

Loaded, Full of winter you are
Storming blackberry girl will you strike before he's

Loaded, full of winter you are storming
Blackberry girl will you strike before he's loaded
Full of winter you are
Police yourself. Police me. 

Can they monitor how you think?
They've got there own remote viewing
To get off he cries "slutty goth"
But I'm a brightly coloured person
Loaded, full of winter you are
Storming blackberry girl, will you strike before he's
Loaded, full of winter you are
Perhaps the answer to the question, lies in the question
Perhaps you should read my thoughts, Line them up like soldiers
Police yourself. Police yourself. Police me.

Monday, June 10, 2013

In Case You Did Not Appreciate My Random Saturday Snark....

...take comfort, karma has dealt with me swiftly and generously...and it's only Monday morning.

You see that is kind of how it works... if I throw snark out into the world, I receive snark right back and my children were instrumental in protecting the delicate balance of the universe.  In fact I'm sure it is for this cosmic reason that my children were particularly snarky this weekend... because by no means could it be that they were just imitating behavior that was being modeled right in front of them...

Hopefully the seriously depraved part of my personality will be given limited access  to this little ol' blog space going forward; though to be honest it was a great experience to dance around the edges of my shadow and to be brutally honest for the whole world to see.  Maybe there will be a sprinkling of the Snarky Saturday posts in the future, because in reality, I am quite deliberate in trying to be as authentic in my life as possible.  Yes...even bible trusting, Jesus following, egalitarian living, stay-at-home mothers with strongly moderate political and theological convictions do have a dark side.  We all need rescuing.

My dark side is out in the light now, so maybe there is hope for me yet.

Transcendance Movement One- stolen

depravity- a nature of isolation


lies come tumbling out 
can’t hold the illusion anymore
I’m wounded beyond recognition
no color or shade to erase pain

the right looks won’t suffice 
job of dreams won’t complete
not enough food or nicotine
to replace what was stolen away

truth come showering down from above
cleansing the blackest soot
my wounding exposed corrupt
no color or shade can erase pain

Saturday, June 8, 2013

A Random Saturday Post...Because I Just Can't Wait

Random Things That Piss Me Off:

That thing you do when you hold your cell phone in front of you and talk into it while on *speaker phone mode*... yeah, that’s still illegal.  Hands free means, hands free.

That thing you do when you publicly praise your spouse repetitively on Facebook...yeah, what audience are you playing to?  Just nudge them and praise them, please spare the rest of us.  Of course that assumes that you do in fact live with them and you are doing as well in your marriage as you so boldly claim.

I don’t care what your meal looks like...ever.  Not on Facebook, not on Instagram, not on Flickr, not via text message.  Really.

That thing I do where I praise my children publicly on Facebook...yeah, what audience am I playing to?  To be clear, my kids do pick their noses right out in the open and talk back to me with perfectly timed eye rolls.  Sometimes I see way too much of my negative qualities acted out right in front of me.  And then I want to ground them for a year, but I don’t because that would just be torture for me.

That thing you do when you put an inside joke in your status update...yeah, I don’t think you’re cool just because I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.  

I hate hash tags.  In fact I hate Twitter.  My brain is too old to understand what the hell it is good for.  Can anyone say Netscape!?!

That thing you do when you judge me for making a decision that threatens your status quo...yeah, and then I judge you for judging me and all of the judgements happen before either of us has processed the interaction.  That.

That thing you do when you publicly bemoan you’re poor because of your servant for Christ status and everyone who isn’t doesn’t care as much as you...yeah, you chose the path of your life.  Kind of defeats the purpose if you need to let everyone know how much you’re sacrificing.

I hate just how hard it is to actually practice the golden rule.  I would like others to treat me they way I want to be treated and I also want to treat others however the hell I feel like treating them on any given day.

So just in case I put myself up on a pedestal for you to worship me, or you placed me up there because of assumptions that are totally your business...I think today’s post has sufficiently cut me back down to size.  

***And a bonus ending to this rant... I hate how much I love to use ellipsis marks in every single post I compose.  I hate commas and I hate the english language and how complicated the use of punctuation is within the mindf**king system.  But I love run on sentences.  Your Welcome.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

All in Due Time

It is the end of the school year around these parts and everyone with school aged children is feeling it.  There has been much chatter about the realities of this annual season on Facebook, in blogs, around the school yard, around parenting committee tables, spewed over texts, and lamented over in phone conversations.  A few courageous voices have shared their hearts about what it feels like to be a parent of school aged children at this point in the game.  I have laughed and I have commiserated with their points.  It is good to get these experiences out there...we all need to know that we are not alone.  And it stirs in me a desire to cling to the truth that how I feel and what my experience might be during these harried weeks, is secondary to what my children’s experiences are right now.

My children’s educational journey is not about me.  There are some loud messages out there trying to tempt me into hijacking my kids academic successes and failures and to twist them into some sort of parental report card.  To this sentiment, I say, “Bah!”

My child’s fourth grade mission report is not a reflection of my success as a parent.  How I guide him through the process of research, organization, insight, and execution measures the effectiveness with which I parent my child, but the end product does not represent anything about me.  The end product is about his journey...and I am determined to keep this truth central in my day to day parenting.

I love to see my children excel...and they do most of the time, but then sometimes they don’t and I need to make that reality okay for them too.  I need to be present when my son doesn’t remember that thing he needs for a presentation.  I need to be present when my daughter struggles with the early elementary social aggression that doesn’t go her way.  I need to have firmness and grace when my younger son has trouble harnessing his wiggles in the classroom.  I need to check the backpacks, provide the lunches and snacks, taxi to the necessary places, and I need to do these things even if I don’t feel like it anymore.  

A big part of parenting for me is trying to model a balance between need vs. want and feelings vs. reality.  Yes, I am right in the middle of the turbulent waters along with every parent out there that has been honest with feeling done with the school year. I feel about this right now cannot be my focus.  If I am feeling done...then how much more are my children feeling done?  Right now my focus needs to be about modeling to them that even when we feel done, there is still more to be done and slacking at the end because of feelings only brings more complication into life.  Yes, I want the school year to be done, yes I feel overwhelmed...and so do all of my children.  It is what we do with these emotions that makes the difference for our children as they journey into adulthood.

I need to remember that I’m working myself out of a job.  I am teaching them life skills.  I need to remember they are watching, and needing, and feeling all the time.  They need me to contain the experiences they have as they travel along childhood and they need a mom that is not so wrapped in my own experience that I miss theirs.  This is a tall order.  This reality I want to be honest about, because frankly it is a minute by minute struggle.  I  have a few things I'd like to add to the conversation and chatter out there about the end of another school year:

It isn’t over until it’s over and the true test of character is how well we see something through when our body, our soul, and our mind is done, but the journey is not yet finished. Summer Break will be here right on cue and we have an opportunity to trust in this truth and grow our own heart, mind, and spirit so our children can see how to do it for themselves someday.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Transcendance Movement One- depth

depravity- a nature of isolation


my depths have dissolved deeper into the cave
as the spirit has become covered with soot
the black ash that clings to a faith that has failed 

to resurrect

the more I push against the truth  my heart hates
the deeper the pain lodges itself into the whole of me
rendering me incapable of looking beyond my own eye

keeps me unchanged

in the cave of my spiritual hibernation
I feel only my own destitute pound of heart
an isolation of disengagement that creates more soot

burrowing hope