Friday, November 28, 2014

Blessings...

...goodness me, they do abound!  
Delicious food, crayons on the table, deep connections, Mariokart Wii, broken corning ware, Minecraft, too-toasty biscuits, momma freak out moments, funny Star Wars you tube videos, bickering kids, pumpkin cobbler, a walk around the neighborhood with a teething baby, sweet nursing, and so many new memories.  
The blessings are found in the mash up of it all... not in the pining for perfection.  
I do hope you and yours had a wonderful holiday.












Monday, July 14, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- soul

encounter- hope embraced

soul

peeking out from the paved path...
...life within my soul
good intentions trapped the new growth for a time
but could not deprive that which was rooted in truth
the sprouts of faith broke free into the world


human depravity can never pave over the divine 

Monday, July 7, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Silent cries from the Heart

encounter- hope embraced

Silent cries from the Heart

If it could mean that for just a moment I might embrace the divine

I’d give my life to love
laying my soul at the feet of my friend

I’d endure the suffering of this life
believing in hope not of this world

I’d bow my knee in praise
worshipping You with all I am

I’d respond to your call
giving every breath to serve your passion


If it could mean that for just a moment I might embrace the divine...

Monday, June 30, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Grace

encounter- hope embraced

Grace

softness as mist
Your spirit wraps me in beauty
my brokenness exposed
then healed
revealed then washed away
peace settles around my soul...


...i am in Your presence...

Monday, June 23, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Light

encounter- hope embraced

 Light

your light rains around me in glory
filling my heart with your grace
Your warmth wraps me in your presence 
my soul opens itself to your gentle hand
as you touch my innermost places with your light
glory and majesty wash throughout my being 

i am filled with awe as i rest in your arms

Monday, June 2, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Wholeness

encounter- hope embraced

Wholeness

sweet salt down my cheek
as I enter into your presence
filled with warmth and love
I am able to drink from your living well

you are my maker and I am your creation
whispers float from within my soul
I am silent in your majesty

wrapped in the sacrifice of your grace

Monday, May 26, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Prayer

encounter- hope embraced

Prayer

Prayer is a response to life...

the quiet breath released into the heavens
sorrow
anticipation
a longing to connect

the warmth of silent  presence arrives
joy
healing
relationship embraced

majesty found in the shared moment
grace
worship

wrapping me in divine

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Friday, May 23, 2014

Blatant Rudeness and subtle sexism

Let’s keep in mind as we are entering the primary season for the 2014 mid term election cycle, that Hillary Rodham Clinton has not even announced her bid for the 2016 presidential race and the smear campaign has already begun.  

Here are few snapshots of ridiculousness in action:

1.  The media blitz around the idea that welcoming a grandchild might somehow derail a presidential bid that hasn’t even been declared yet.  How many grandkids does Mitt Romney have?  And how many grandchildren did he welcome into his family while campaigning for the 2012 presidential race?   And was the growth of Mitt’s extended family even a part of the discussion about whether that makes him fit for the highest office in our country?  Has being a grandparent even entered into the national debate...ever?  My memory says no.

2.  Karl Rove’s comments about Clinton’s supposed traumatic brain injury.  On the surface this argument did not trigger the sexism warning signal to me, only the what are you so afraid of warning signal...but then...

3.  Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairperson, followed that up on Meet the Press with this:

"I think that health and age is fair game," Priebus said. "It was fair game for Ronald Reagan. It was fair game for John McCain."
Yes, Priebus it was fair game and it was pretty short lived in past elections.  Only, I’m pretty sure you’re attempting to play off of the “equality card” out of one side of your mouth and the “tisk tisk an old lady shouldn’t be trusted card” out of the other side.  So let’s be real.
Statistically speaking women outlive men, so the age factor is quite inconsequential if you ask me.  Yes, she had a fall and dealt with some health issues...so what.  If you want to treat this next presidential cycle with the equality it deserves, then let’s stick to character and policy.   I know you said you were sticking to qualifications, but then again, your message was mixed.  Who knows which two people will face off in the 2016 race, let’s take our time tearing the allusion of opposition down before the time has come. 

FTR I was this riled up when witnessing how the press and opposition dealt with Sarah Palin in the 2008 election cycle, so I'm not just slinging mud because of ideological differences.  I hated the Newsweek cover and several other photos they released....for similar reasons.  Blatant Rudeness and subtle sexism.
I won’t vote for a president merely because they share the same anatomy as me...I vote for president based upon which person I place the most trust in.  Political party isn’t necessarily a factor, gender isn’t necessarily a factor, faith background or ethnicity isn’t necessarily a factor.  Potential FLOTUS/FMOTUS isn’t necessarily a factor.  

Getting the job done well is the factor I rest my decision on.  My crystal ball informs me that we have a long political journey to November 2016.  Off to cue up House of Cards, Alpha House, and my old standby The West Wing.  I can handle the ridiculousness in fantasy...

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Against The Grain

I am angry.  
I am angry that maturity is not rewarded in the way I want to be.
I am angry that to go against the grain is hard as hell.
I am angry that I learned how to be my own worst enemy all too well.

Interestingly enough though, what I’m not angry about gives insight to what growth is taking place with in me.

I’m not angry with the man behind the curtain these days, because clearly I am up against a far more personal anger.  I’d love to continue projecting the darkness inside of me and blame my rage on some institution (the church), some power mogul (business/media), some representative (the government), or some attachment figure (the mom and dad), but I’ve hit midlife now, time to be more honest.

I am angry that being accepted has been the bottom line for me, even into adulthood.  It has not been about being responsible, having integrity, or following my unique path.  Instead, I have spent much energy craving acclamation and validation because I was afraid to trust me.  In my insecurity, I have made the mistake of listening to other voices instead of my own and welcomed bitterness to fester.  Here’s the thing though, gaining acceptance from others at the expense of accepting myself, has proved to be a toxic choice and it has taken much energy to walk that choice back.  Time has taught me that when I am surrounded by experts that are not my own voice, I am in dangerous territory.  And those voices might be real people but they might also be the projection of my own fear...regardless, I lose if those are the voices I listen to instead of my own internal guide.

Enough of that though...I’ve got enough life under my belt to see the results of my choices and I’m good with what has happened as a result following my internal voice.  And the interesting side note...I’ve lived enough life to know that the loud voices of objection to my life choices aren’t around to evaluate the resolution of my decisions.  They are too busy living their lives...because their words were never truly about me.  

Here is the pocket of grace:
Liberty really is the brass ring it claims to be.   

It is completely within my right to live however I see fit, so long as I don’t restrict someone else’s freedom or injure.  I’ve mostly made my own path in this life so far and I’m good with that, but I am angry that I let myself feel miserable for taking the road less traveled.  It has been an unnecessary pain.

There are many areas where I have tortured myself for choosing the unconventional, yet in time, what was once unconventional moved into mainstream and I’ve learned something really important about that... 

If an unconventional path is a better way of living, then I’m probably not the only one being led in that direction.  Good ideas and solid life practices spread.  Stepping out in faith is worth it.

Three really good examples from my life come through seemingly disconnected areas of living; body art, blogging, and bonding.  These three issue tie together to highlight the truth that going a different direction than most, specifically because you believe the pack is heading in the wrong direction, is wisdom...not a liability.

Body Art:
Body art has been a positive tool of expression of self for me, yet I walked in conventional circles during my 20’s, so I faced a backlash from folks who thought tattoos and piercings represented something really bad.  It was awesome that I eventually got to see body art be embraced as an art form.  Shortly after that, I got to observe the same folks who questioned my character, my faith, my sanity, embrace the movement.  Why yes, I most certainly remember the unkind words spewed at me and I’m angry that I let that fester for too long.  

Blogging:
I don’t care if all the cool kids are blogging now...I’ve been doing it for almost a decade and it has been an amazing experience for me, even when folks did not appreciate my words.  Yet recently, I’ve been growing concerned about this platform, because the blogging world is morphing into something I am uncomfortable with.  Blogging has challenged me to be honest about my view of the world, but now I see blogging being twisted into some virtual advertising agency designed to elicit a vacuum of jealousy and desire in others.  I believe that blogging is about speaking individual truth.  It is about documenting the mundane, as it adds up to something really important...a lifestyle.  A belief system.  A putting your money where mouth is sort of exercise....not about monetization.  I want blogging to continue to be about questioning the status quo...not becoming an agent of the systemic need to control. 

Bonding:
I wore my babes in slings when that was still novel in this culture.  I fielded questions about why I needed to hold my babies all the time.  I did not need to hold my babies...they needed to be held.  It was an act of discipline to put my kids’ needs ahead of my own in appropriate ways, not an act of giving into my kids’ every whim.  I had faith that it would be only for a season and as it turns out that belief was right.  For the record, baby wearing is a sweaty mess and sometimes it really sucked.  Then again sometimes it was heaven on earth...but contrary to what others warned me of, I am not still carrying them around out of a dependence I crippled them with.  Somewhere in toddlerhood they each started running away from the slings and I saw that as progress...not something to mourn.

I read and then promptly discarded faith based *parenting books* that implored me to train my children in rigid ways (Growing Kids God’s Way, aka Babywise, aka the Infant Way, and To Train Up A Child).  I believe babies show up to this world deserving dignity and grace.  They are human and thus sinful, but training them out of expressing their needs doesn’t make sense to me.  I tend to sin more when my needs are unmet, so how can these little people be any different?  I still believe in discipline and my kids are making their way just fine, potty trained, sleeping independently, and mostly making good choices as they navigate the world.  I am angry I worried so much...I rely on the bond I have with each kid every day.  Bonding was time well spent.

In the end though the bottom line is this...


I’m angry with myself because I spent too much time obsessing over other people’s opinions about how I expressed myself artistically, be it through body art or blogging.  I’m angry that I cared so much about other people’s opinions concerning how I mother my children.  And I am sad it took me until now to make peace with these truths, but I am filled with hope just the same, because I believe I’ll never waste such time again.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Until

encounter- hope embraced

Until

The until between midnight gloom and morning breeze
carries us from despair into new hope.
Allowing the past to melt away into oblivion
reconciled by present transformation.

Forevermore the wounds cast from mind’s eye
giving rise to the true beautiful life.
What no longer is hidden behind enemy lines
can evolve to respond to calling designed.

In the morning of life begun anew
the soul lifts praise to the source.
A living sacrifice Savior divine

releases grace into the until of time.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Re-post of last years Mother's Day Tribute


I have a complicated relationship with this holiday.... it's always struck me as a bit like forced intimacy. I've gone through the many seasons of my response to a holiday that is filled with expectation.  I've loved it, I've hated it, I've been hurt by it...and "it'" is just a holiday...nothing more...nothing less.  

A couple of months ago I ran across a you tube video that piqued my curiosity.  It was a bit o' propaganda so I won't share it, but there was enough truth in the middle of the attempt to manipulate me towards a particular ideology, that I began doing a bit of research on the history of this hallmark holiday.

What I found to be true helps me integrate this particular day in a much more joyful and holistic way.  You see the beef I have with this holiday is that motherhood is an art and a science.  I don't want to be told how to honor my mother and I don't want to be told on which day to do so.  I love my mother and I am grateful for her presence in my life.  I want the way I live to be the honoring of this woman I hold so dear.  I also don't want my children to feel forced to pay me homage.  I want them to live big lives with passion, conviction, joy, and integrity.  That is all the honor I desire.  The thing about this consumer culture is that many voices shout out that to be a good child or to be a good mother...you have to send cards, flowers, and gifts.  But this day did not originate in anything materialistic.  The materialism strips empowerment from this day...this movement.

Read This:  

Mothers are the main attachment figure for the next generation.  Some women never get to have children of their own, but they are still mothers if the care about and advocate for the next generation.  Support mothers in our world, because it is hard work.  Daily work.  Thankless work.

No more guilt or shame for doing the right thing in the eyes of some advertising executive who told us we are not quite good enough unless we consume and we bind ourselves and our families up in unrealistic expectations.  Instead there is an opportunity to excavate those passions that can heal the world, heal our communities, heal our families, heal ourselves.  

On this Mothers Day I dream this gift for us all... that we find the fire in our bellies that will lead us to join a movement that speaks to the humanity all around us.   If your passion is new life, support new life.  If your passion is adoption, advocate for that.  If your passion is gender equality, connect with a young girl and pour into her and then connect with a young boy and pour into him.  If your passion is the homeless, give.  If your passion is peace, serve a veteran.  

My passions are pretty obvious.  Gender equality, attachment issues for children, sexual violence advocacy, and a kinder faith expression within the church that stands on the teachings of Jesus.  Rather than feel anxious and bound up, I will spend energy on advancing those causes.  I will still enjoy cards and gifts.  I will still give cards and gifts... because I want to, and that’s okay too.  No guilt, no shame...just joy and love.

Happy Mothers Day!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Threshold

encounter- hope embraced

Threshold
walking beyond the threshold of consciousness
into the world of inner longing
feeling your hand gently guiding me
deeper into myself where the goodness lives

breath released finally truth I can know
there is a piece of you within me
peace releases my heart from chains of doing
allowing spirit to rise into being beloved creation

the past falls away the future stands still
in the presence of your protection I linger
safely I open my deepest wounds 
your love washes through my heart

the wounds are residue of lies held so long
I hold them tight paralyzed with fear
believing without them I would be nothing
and bad felt safer than the void of existence

the lies shriek throughout our connection
we weep together as we bend ear to hear the noise
even the moment stands still as we grieve what I’ve lost-
the confidence of possibility wrapped in innocence

knowing the moment is soon to pass
you whisper a new melody to replace the dissonance
breathing life into a weary soul
healing years of wounds with your empathy

back over the threshold of consciousness
into the world of the now
your spirit ushers me into life with new hope

where I can share the goodness revealed 

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Unexpected Hiatus

My soul has been in hibernation these past few months and it was provoked by an injury that had my body down for the count for a few weeks.  I’m used to spinning a lot of plates all at once with 3 kids, volunteer activities, and a little ole business to keep up with and I love my life.  I enjoy moving at an efficient pace but to keep such a pace one has to stay healthy...anything goes too far out of balance and the whole game changes.  That was this past winter for me, and I am grateful for the lessons that have turned into the gift of wisdom:

1.  Our bodies are made wonderfully complex- self regulating and healing, delicate and strong all at once...and finite.  We need balance, rest, activity, sleep, nutrition, care and when we don’t get what we need, our body will stop us in our tracks.  My broken foot was a warning light of some more complicated health issues that I am grateful are being addressed before my body spun out of control.  I am now on the road to recovery, grace be.

2.  About 1/3 of my To Do list is unnecessary and really just there as a way to feel in control and productive.  I have enough organic stressors to manage, I don’t need to create more work to feel better about myself.  When I’m being good to me, everything has a way of working out.  And an added benefit: excess baggage disappears because relationship and time barnacles naturally fall away.  This has been one of the biggest benefits for me.  I’m really clear on what is most important for my well being.

3.  It is a joy to get a 3 month break from 8+ loads of laundry a week and big household shopping trips.  Totally worth the price of walking in an air boot for almost 10 weeks and counting.  Just saying.

Sometimes an injury or illness is a metaphor for a deeper soul dynamic, as is the case for me.  This injury has allowed me the space to do some deep soul healing and I know that just as my bone will be stronger at the site of the fracture when healed; my heart will be stronger for the grieving I have been able to walk through in this season.  


So I cannot recap the everyday of the past weeks, but I can share some pictures for now because most definitely life was being lived even in hibernation and that’s where the good stuff is.  Enjoy!

Our Special Friend...
Meeting our sweet little friend for the first time.  We are all so smitten!

Sweet J made a big step in her faith and decided to be baptized.  It was wonderful to stand with her on her special day!
Our sweet was baptized...it was awesome!

So filled with joy....

 Boo's science fair project was fun for the whole family!
playing softball with the family...in a boot no less.
The things we do for science!

Teaching a proper batting stance

Bubba's turn

This kid is a natural!

Solid swing my girl!  Boo in the background
compiling data for his science project.

The husband can make consistent contact.
I've been married to this man for 15 years and had no idea.

And some crafting to compliment all of our family events:

Baptism gift

The backside of water...aka baby blanket in progress.

party favors

And finally, the Old South Church in Boston hosted a scarf project where crafters around the world could create scarves to wrap runners in love on this first anniversary of the bombings.  
I was lucky to participate with many other crafters out there.

Being off my foot gave me the time to wrap some runners in love...

Here is a clip of how this Scarf Project began...

Saturday, March 15, 2014

The highlight of my week...

http://www.cbs.com/shows/big_bang_theory/video/89A75E92-36B4-EFE9-E23E-B87F97E0EDF6/the-big-bang-theory-naked-sex/


The whole storyline of Sheldon and his mom is cultural brilliance.  I love the way this show handles the issues of morality and religion especially in regards to the way these dynamics impact scientific progress.  The best line come near the end of the episode...

Sheldon: "Well this is confusing for me, but I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness.  So I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance."

Shelly's Mom: "That is very christian of you."

Brillant cultural commentary!  Comedy gold, I say.


Watch the whole episode, it won't disappoint.
http://www.cbs.com/shows/big_bang_theory/video/55364460-1253-94A2-761B-B377AC91DCC0/the-big-bang-theory-the-mommy-observation/

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Peace by Peace

encounter- hope embraced

Peace by Peace
life be real
pain can reside
suffering revealed true
if light can flood my soul

wash over me in crimson glory
bring hope and restoration
carry my broken body home
help me live faith in your grace

life known real
painful memories anew, subside
suffering pushes into joyful reunion

light  floods my soul with belief

Sunday, March 2, 2014

My Sweet Bubbas

Happy 7th Birthday Bubbas...



I love you my sweet son...

You are an incredible boy.  Full of life, full of this amazing energy that is such a joy to be around!

You are fun loving and a tad mischievous...which I must admit I love!  Never a dull moment parenting you!

You are passionate and such a justice kid.  You will speak up when you see something amiss and you are learning so much about using words to solve disagreements.  You are growing into quite the diplomat these days.

You love legos, swimming, soccer, and music.  You love to build thing and always have a plan that you're dreaming up ways to execute.

You are my snuggle bunny and love to cuddle with me...you still hold your hand to my heart during cuddles.  Every year I add this into my love note to you because it is such a blessing!  I am so grateful that after seven years on this planet you still come to mama for cuddle time every day!

You are super smart and are officially reading...even though you sometimes doubt you are.  You are always listening and always observing.  You love to learn and you love school.

I love you for the amazing boy you are.  Six was a huge growth year for you and I am so proud to see the choices you are making in your young life!  It is so fun to parent you!!!  Happy Birthday my dear son!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Pushing Onward...


If the mainline church worked the way my childlike faith knows it can...

Seminary education for leaders around the world would be subsidized by the offering of the people and the only requirement would be a certain amount of years in service within church leadership after schooling is completed.

Future pastors would be required to participate in didactic therapeutic experiences alongside their theology training and spiritual formation experiences.  And a part of continuing education would include ongoing therapeutic processes for all clergy.

We would surround our clergy with respect, open communication, and a cooperative spirit...even when we disagree.  We would remember these amazingly gifted people, have feelings, real life to deal with, in-laws, marriages, children, illness, bills and everything else that accompanies being an adult in our culture.  I am amazed at the brashness of treatment I have witnessed (and sadly sometimes participated in) congregations direct towards pastors.  It’s plain mean spirited.

Funding allocated to the larger church structures (districts, conferences, jurisdictions in the denomination my church is affiliated with) would be used primarily for a clergy leader, necessary managerial staff, a lawyer, and a human resources person.  Employee compensation, reviews, and hiring/letting go of employees should not rest on a volunteer leader within each congregation alone.  Churches should have professional advice available to them at all times.  Period.  And they should be held to the same legal standards companies in the secular job market are.

If we were able to make these things happen, our churches would be healthier communities, and in turn our impact with the world might be more effective.  

And now I lay down my ax...I’m not fueled with righteous indignation anymore.  Now I see a clear path to begin walking down.  We can make these changes within the church.  One step at a time.  






Monday, February 24, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Occasion

encounter- hope embraced

Occasion
Aside the living well my faith began.
I drank from it daily
and was filled with new life.

Deep within I knew it was but for a time.
I began to hear the quiet whisper of dark night call
so my heart was soon led deep into a desert.

The sand came up around my neck. 
Feeling abandoned I thought I might rather death
yet in that time I felt your hand extend.

You held me in my brokenness.
I felt your healing pass through my wounds
as you led me again to the well of living water.

…a place I now understood to be meant for occasion of time

in order to preserve faith and quench my deepest desires.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Celebrating Valentine's Day in the Real World



We usually have some fun traditions around Valentine's Day for the kids, but honestly dh and I have mostly struggled with this holiday.  We are so not the flowers and chocolates sort of people though through our 20's (maybe into our 30's) we believed we "should" be these sorts of romantics since we are "passionate" people.  Then our marriage exploded and we got more honest with ourselves and each other.  I like being on this side of our marriage explosion because this was the first year I could stomach this holiday.  This year's holiday was quirky and random... I like quirky and random, it fits us better.  Let me share...


Oh there were three gifts on a table that were purchased at 8:45 the night before...but there was nothing cute, nothing thought out.  The kids were just as happy this year as last...which is kind of humbling for a crazy momma that does this every year...


The banner did go up but there is no picture so I'll just use last year's...


Dh skillfully and tentatively approached me about a week before the holiday and said...do we really want to do anything for Valentine's.  Can we just agree not to do any cards, or flowers, or anything like that...I'm happy to do Messy Church that night and then binge watch House of Cards all weekend.  He had me at hello.  
Seriously... 

Best.Words.Ever.

All of this transpired because of this little detail...




So that is what we did to celebrate Valentine's Day 2014...
The End.


Friday, February 21, 2014

Reflections Part 2

Last fall Boo wrote this essay for his school...
http://poetic-mama.blogspot.com/2013/11/reflections.html

and today...

He was recognized for his creativity...Way to go son!
Edited by Rhonnas Designs App

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Onward

encounter- hope embraced

Onward

When I look down I lose my way
the cracks in the ground rise up to swallow sight.
I become lulled by the path forgetting my destination;
the home from which I belong is the one I long to someday return.

Send down Your grace to raise my gaze
help me to press on to reach You- divine.
Raise my feet from the earthly path of weeds;

so I can move on towards you- eternity.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

State of the Blog 2014

I tend to move through my life intuitively.  I plan and I prepare but in the end, I move organically in the moment and because this is my style of being in the world I have made it a habit to take time out in January to reflect on the past year and to set my vision towards the coming months.  (author’s note- I am just now getting around to doing this exercise in my life for a myriad of reasons, but this is the short explanation of why my posting has been more sporadic recently.)

At the beginning of last year I decided that I would devote a chunk of time to writing about gender issues, putting voice to my experience in the church, and advocating for survivors of injustice.  I feel like I did that and even as I began to scratch the surface, I was confronted with the reality of how much deeper I’d like my growth to be in understanding so much about the world around me, people I’ve crossed paths with, and especially the darkness in my own heart.  By the end of the year, I found myself asking some important questions...

... “Why are my words sounding like I am attempting to be a prophet in this age?  Is it because of calling or is it because I have an ax to grind?”

... “Why when my life gets complicated, do I not write about what I’m facing in the moment?  Is it because I am exercising healthy boundaries between my private and public life?  Am I waiting until the lessons have been learned to put words to struggle, or am I afraid prideful and using healthy aspirations as a tactic to hide from the truth?

... “Where in the world do I want to go in my life for this coming year?  I feel a tad like I am meandering in this season of living, is it that or is it not yet time to decide?  Am I paralyzed by fear or am I exercising wisdom?”

... “Why in the world did I dive into the injustice in the church and declare I would spend time writing about ways I would love to see some issues for pastors and staff improved?  I have underlying rage from experiences in childhood and an even bigger issue is that when I promise I’m going to write about something, no matter the topic, it locks me up and I can’t find words anymore.  Did I intentionally set myself up for failure or was I challenging the darkness within so I could grow through the pain?

So yeah...I’m asking a lot of questions about power and justice and my place in the middle of discussion around these dynamics.  I have learned when questions finally arrive at the surface of my awareness, the answers are already close at hand and I see it as I type it out that the truth is somewhere in the mix of it all.

... I am called to give voice in this age AND I’m still healing so I have that  ax to grind even still.

... I am exercising a healthy space between when life happens and when it shows up on this blog AND I struggle with pride within the mess of my daily living.

... I am meandering AND I’m being patient for the right timing and wisdom I don’t yet have.  It’s a journey after all.

... I have a ton of rage to metabolize from childhood.  I am not at the beginning of that process...moving closer to working it through for good everyday.  I was being unkind to my creative core because I treat myself the way some with authority over me during my childhood treated me AND I was also being kind and parental with myself, setting a goal of speaking into what better living might look like for the church because my creative core is screaming to be heard.  Not all of my energy is because of rage, some of it is righteous indignation because I know injustice when I see it and the way the church functions is unfair to it’s vocational employees by and large.  


I will not make any declarations of what will be happening in my writing this year...I don’t yet know.  I love, love, love having the opportunity to nurture this little cyber space...it continues to be a lifeline in my life.  I am a better woman, wife, mother, human being when I write.  I am so grateful to all of you who return time and again to read life through my eyes.  Many blessing to you as you journey through your life.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Dissonance

encounter- hope embraced

Dissonance-

Dissonance existent in my heart...

shadowboxing looming ghosts
that cover truth with their doubt
fighting against projected scenes in my mind
like a dream the images feel surreal...

...not a part of me but also fully who I am...

a hope deep within the recesses of my soul
surface and bring with it strength
compelling me to merge the shadows that haunt
to grieve the pain and to heal my heart...

... alone a task so futile but with help a journey divine...

I cry out, “CONSUME MY INNERMOST PLACE”
reconcile my past with my present
so my future can be about who you want me to be
instead of a reaction to my unhealed reality...

...wash over me with your grace and peace... 

That is my soul’s deepest prayer.


Monday, February 3, 2014

Transcendance Movement Four- Desire Redefined

encounter- hope embraced

Desire Redefined


desire floats above me disconnected from my soul
trapping the core of the me
heart fears self be lost in moment of the feel
so even the promise of connection cannot prevail

the need not met wells up inside the chamber of doubt 
but to grieve would mean a release into the world
isolation appears safer than exposure of self
leaving me silenced by the muscle of the rote

the me attempts to deny the soothing hand of you- friend
so a search begins for a prized mechanism 
built to contain my haunt from yester ago 
a solo attempt foreshadows a desperate end

I cannot pass beyond the valley of shame’s eye
created within my caverns by abuse and crime
in that moment of revelation conscience pauses 
tears erupt, oldest part of soul spills out around me

a moment of moments- time stands still
choice not to trail down the path towards lie
thus prayer from the depths- light my path

restore the stolen passion of desire

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Eleven

Why yes, this is you re-enacting Monty Python and the Holy Grail on halloween
night while you're dressed up as Luigi...

You have been on this earth for 11 years my son and I am so grateful for your presence in my life.

I love your humor.  You make me laugh every single day...the best part of parenting you!

I love the way you dream incredible things up in that amazing brain of yours.  

I love how you think deeply about so many things and I love the conclusions you draw from your observations of life.

I love that you love to stay up late, sleep in, and stay home as much as possible!

I love watching you spar at karate tournaments... you have just come alive with drive and competitiveness...so fun to watch you!

I love to read the comics you create... so fun to watch you build a character through several issues.

I love watching super hero movies with you or catching an episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. with you!

Happy Birthday my sweet 11 year old!