Wednesday, February 12, 2014

State of the Blog 2014

I tend to move through my life intuitively.  I plan and I prepare but in the end, I move organically in the moment and because this is my style of being in the world I have made it a habit to take time out in January to reflect on the past year and to set my vision towards the coming months.  (author’s note- I am just now getting around to doing this exercise in my life for a myriad of reasons, but this is the short explanation of why my posting has been more sporadic recently.)

At the beginning of last year I decided that I would devote a chunk of time to writing about gender issues, putting voice to my experience in the church, and advocating for survivors of injustice.  I feel like I did that and even as I began to scratch the surface, I was confronted with the reality of how much deeper I’d like my growth to be in understanding so much about the world around me, people I’ve crossed paths with, and especially the darkness in my own heart.  By the end of the year, I found myself asking some important questions...

... “Why are my words sounding like I am attempting to be a prophet in this age?  Is it because of calling or is it because I have an ax to grind?”

... “Why when my life gets complicated, do I not write about what I’m facing in the moment?  Is it because I am exercising healthy boundaries between my private and public life?  Am I waiting until the lessons have been learned to put words to struggle, or am I afraid prideful and using healthy aspirations as a tactic to hide from the truth?

... “Where in the world do I want to go in my life for this coming year?  I feel a tad like I am meandering in this season of living, is it that or is it not yet time to decide?  Am I paralyzed by fear or am I exercising wisdom?”

... “Why in the world did I dive into the injustice in the church and declare I would spend time writing about ways I would love to see some issues for pastors and staff improved?  I have underlying rage from experiences in childhood and an even bigger issue is that when I promise I’m going to write about something, no matter the topic, it locks me up and I can’t find words anymore.  Did I intentionally set myself up for failure or was I challenging the darkness within so I could grow through the pain?

So yeah...I’m asking a lot of questions about power and justice and my place in the middle of discussion around these dynamics.  I have learned when questions finally arrive at the surface of my awareness, the answers are already close at hand and I see it as I type it out that the truth is somewhere in the mix of it all.

... I am called to give voice in this age AND I’m still healing so I have that  ax to grind even still.

... I am exercising a healthy space between when life happens and when it shows up on this blog AND I struggle with pride within the mess of my daily living.

... I am meandering AND I’m being patient for the right timing and wisdom I don’t yet have.  It’s a journey after all.

... I have a ton of rage to metabolize from childhood.  I am not at the beginning of that process...moving closer to working it through for good everyday.  I was being unkind to my creative core because I treat myself the way some with authority over me during my childhood treated me AND I was also being kind and parental with myself, setting a goal of speaking into what better living might look like for the church because my creative core is screaming to be heard.  Not all of my energy is because of rage, some of it is righteous indignation because I know injustice when I see it and the way the church functions is unfair to it’s vocational employees by and large.  

I will not make any declarations of what will be happening in my writing this year...I don’t yet know.  I love, love, love having the opportunity to nurture this little cyber continues to be a lifeline in my life.  I am a better woman, wife, mother, human being when I write.  I am so grateful to all of you who return time and again to read life through my eyes.  Many blessing to you as you journey through your life.

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